HAL Cruttenden is the first to admit he’s more goofy than gangsta.

The middle-aged comic would love to be dark and dangerous – if only he didn’t miss his dog too much when he goes on tour.

The former BBC traffic reporter at first rejected suggestions by colleagues that he should try stand-up.

“I thought, not me, I’m far too camp and middle class,” explains Hal.

“I just couldn’t bear the idea of people heckling me. I’d end up apologising. Then a friend gave me a video of Eddie Izzard and I thought if that man can be that middle-class and wear make-up and go out there and not apologise, maybe I can do it after all.”

Audiences across the country who flock to his sell-out shows seem to agree. People of all ages, from grannies to gangsta loving music fans, love Hal’s self-deprecating humour about the woes of middle-age and middle-class life.

“I always think I’m quite angry in a manly dangerous way but nobody else thinks that I am. Clearly it comes out as a whimper. Part of my comedy is about trying to be taken more seriously and failing.

“A lot of comedy in the 90s was comedians pretending to be rougher than they were saying they were blokey blokes when they were public school boys.

“I think there’s something refreshing about saying yes I’m middle class, I’m camp, I’ve had it easy all my life and I’m furious about it. Comedy is good therapy.”

It could be Hal has never gotten over driving a Citroen 2CV as his first car (‘my sister gave it to me which makes it worse’) or it could be worrying whether the audience need a loo break during his act.

But this well groomed funny man has happily embraced his comfortable life and enjoys teasing every suburban piece of humour from it that he can.

He brings his latest tour, Straight Outta Cruttenden, to the Brewhouse next month where he is likely to tackle some of his true dislikes of the modern world, a list that gets longer (and funnier) as he gets older.

“It’s all about me ranting about the modern world, family, marriage, all those things that annoy me about people my age, about how young people don’t enjoy their youth,” he smiles.

“There is definitely a lot of moaning. I never said it was a very high concept.

“I just think that I’m getting more honest the longer I go. I’m doing jokes about what things I really want to talk about now.”

One of his favourite topics is his life-long hobby with yo-yo dieting, in particular the 5:2 diet.

“With this diet you just eat 750 calories two days a week and you eat normally the rest of the week. It doesn’t really work.

“All my life I’ve been trying to lose weight. It’s like a hobby for me. But the dieting has been a big failure. I have a really unhealthy relationship with food – I’d love to have a salad but it’s so boring.

“My goal is to get really fat like 30st because you can lose 5st in a month when you’re that fat. And the thrill of losing that much weight is brilliant. You’ve got to nearly kill yourself to get to that point though.”

As well as touring, Hal has become a favourite on top TV shows such as Live at the Apollo, Mock the Week and Have I Got News For You.

Over the past few years Hal has been nominated for Best Club Act at the prestigious Chortle Awards, and his stand up show Tough Luvvie is completing a year-long tour of the country after selling out at the Edinburgh Festival.

This is his third national tour following The Tiny Rage Tour 2011 and Lively (2010).

Hal’s big breakthrough in stand-up came with his nomination for the Perrier Newcomer Award at the 2002 Edinburgh Festival for his solo show, Hal.

“TV gives you a lot of coverage because people don’t have to come out and pay to see you, you’re just there in their living rooms.

“A lot of people have seen me on McIntyre and Rob Brydon’s shows while others know me from The Royal Variety Show.”

Fame can be a double-edged sword, especially for slow-driving, cautious motorists like Hal. who might not be able to use his favourite ruse to outwit road-rage drivers.

“About ten years ago I was being shouted at by a guy in the van behind me at traffic lights in North London. The lights were green but I couldn’t cross them because there was a box junction in front of me and queuing traffic on the other side of that.

“The lights eventually went red and Van Man got out and walked menacingly towards me saying, ‘I’m going to give you a big fat ****** Christmas present.’

“It was Christmas but his clenched fist meant that he didn’t mean it in a nice way. I leaned out my window and said, ‘That’s clever. I’m a police officer.’ This is illegal but I’ve never met a policeman who said he’d prosecute me in the circumstances. Anyway, this guy believed me.

“He backed off with his hands raised in a sorry gesture while I shouted ‘Just watch it!’ I’d love to see his face if he’s reading this now.”

Watch out for the quiet man – he might just make you laugh.