“DON’T panic! Don’t panic! We’re having a meltdown. Don’t panic.” 

No, it’s not Corporal Jones, it’s the words of our very own Boris Johnson talking about the prospects for Brexit at a posh ‘private’ Tory dinner. 

And it’s not the Germans who are causing the panic and ‘need the cold steel, ‘cause they don’t like it up ‘em’ (or not just the Germans), it ‘s the Cabinet, that bunch of Dad’s Army incompetents, constantly at war with each other, led by their intrepid Captain, Theresa Maynwaring.

She will doubtless have a word with Boris (“Stupid Boy!”) but outwardly the troop is united.


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Don’t decide anything about Brexit, just fudge and delay – that allows the troop to go on holding diametrically opposite views.

Boris attacking Hammond - Home Guard v. Wardens (“Oy, Napoleon!”). 

They are united in one thing - their support for their commander, because no on else wants her job. 

They prefer to offer a little advice (“Do you really think that’s wise?”) and wait for her to carry the can for the impending Brexit debacle.

Customs union? Single Market? Max-fac? EEA? EFTA? Just give it all the Hokey Cokey treatment; In, out, in, out, shake it all about. 


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At least we have a ruthless band of negotiators (“Do you think I might be excused, sir?”).

Weirdly, Tory Brexiteers and Remainers seem to agree that meltdown is looming – but blame each other for causing it. 

Private Fraser summed it up - “Doomed. We’re all doomed!”

One last piece of advice. If you get caught by the Brexiteers (which can be painful....) and they ask your name, don’t tell ‘em, Pike!

ALAN PAUL
Taunton