WITH the festive season winding down and thoughts turning to new year, one issue that never goes away is that of domestic abuse.

There may well be new year's resolutions about leaving an abusive partner, or an abusive partner saying they will not abuse again, but it is an issue that is always there, always prevalent and always horrifying.

In the second part of our domestic abuse feature, alongside Avon and Somerset Police, we speak to a woman who was abused for more than 10 years by her vicious partner.

ALTHOUGH it is the happiest time of the year for many, for those trapped in a violent or abusive relationship it can be the most terrifying.

The festive season and New Year celebrations see a spike in reports of domestic abuse to Avon and Somerset Police, whether it be a one-off incident or the latest in a long-line of violent attacks.

This week, the County Gazette spoke to a woman, who wishes to remain anonymous, about the abuse she endured at the hands of her partner.

The relationship only lasted for a couple of years in the early 2000s, but has left a lasting impression on her.

As with most violent relationships, there were no early warning signs. The woman, who was just 19 when the relationship started, said her boyfriend was the "life and soul" of the party after meeting him at work.

So, what triggered the abuse?

"It’s very hard to say what the first sign was," she said.

"I was very young, and didn’t have an experience of such things and so I didn’t recognise it at the time. It also happens very slowly and insidiously over a period of time.

"Looking back, I think the earlier signs were questions. Where are you? Who was that?

"The questions change into statements over time - don’t go there and don’t do that.

"I also found my way of thinking changing, I would think – I won’t do this or go there, because that will make him angry. He also seemed to just be very angry all the time and very negative towards me.

"Everything was my fault.

"There were other signs too, he wouldn’t pay me any attention or say anything nice or loving. He would just criticise and moan, not seem interested or spend a lot of time doing other things or seeing other people.

"Then, he would suddenly turn on the charm, be much more attentive and then be very possessive.

"It was like being pushed away and then pulled back when it suited him. Over time that completely erodes your self-confidence. It messes with your emotions and you question your sanity.

"It’s like a constant rollercoaster."

Although just coercive behaviour at the start, including controlling the woman's finances and leaving her mountains of debt, the man became physically abusive.

She said: "To begin with it was snide comments, then it became very heated, lots of rows, insults and hurtful things.

"He controlled where we went, what we did.

"Eventually he became more and more verbally aggressive and eventually it became physical.

"When it became physical he threw things at me, held me up against a wall, put his hands around my throat, would push me over. I hurt my back and arm when he sent me flying across a room one day."

She admits the moment she realised she had to leave was a "lightbulb" moment, although she felt stupid for wanting to leave.

She said: "It’s a very odd, overwhelming and frightening moment when the penny drops, the lightbulb moment when you actually realise you have been subjected to abuse.

"It’s a shock! I understand a lot of people might find it odd that I say “I suddenly realised” – but you just don’t see it, even if it’s been happening for years.

"When you do realise, you feel very stupid. I did. In one respect I couldn’t believe I had allowed it to happen, I wondered how I had become a “victim”. It was surreal. I felt ashamed.

"At times, I also blamed myself – he had stripped my confidence to the point where I thought it was probably my fault; maybe I had driven him to it, that I was an awful girlfriend. It took me a long time to stop blaming myself and see that the fault lay with him."

After realising she had to leave, the woman stayed with the man for four months to prepare herself to leave him. The final push came after she went away on a work trip, and told a colleague of the abuse she had suffered, who encouraged her to leave.

Since leaving the relationship, the woman has regained her confidence and has now decided to tell her story to help other victims.

Reaching out to other victims, she said: "The first thing I will say is that no matter how much you try and convince yourself that it’s a “one off” or that they will change, they won’t.

"The second thing I would say, over and over again, is that it’s not your fault!

"No one deserves to live in fear or in an abusive and negative environment. Put yourself first, be kind to yourself, take a deep breath and get out of the situation.

"It might seem terrifying but all you have to do is tell one person or make one phone call. Whether that is to a friend, a support line, an abuse charity or the police. They are there to help you, so let them – you don’t have to do it on your own.

"It might seem terrifying to make that first move but it will be worth it.

"I can tell you, based on my personal experience, the sense of freedom, peace of mind and relief you will experience will make it worthwhile."

IF YOU are in an abusive relationship and want advice or help, call Avon and Somerset Police on 101, or visit thisisnotanexcuse.org. If it is a violent situation, always call 999.