‘Don’t tell Greta, but I am a fan of air travel’

I like the early starts, the incessant queueing, being asked to take off my shoes for no obvious reason, trying to work out what 100ml actually looks like, and paying above the odds for sunglasses I will lose before we land. It’s all good.

I think it’s because I can just resign myself to the process and get on with it – no responsibility, no tasks.

And now that’s ruined. BARK, a company previously known for their dog food and treats, have announced the launch of a new air travel service, BARK Air.

This is a service designed to prioritize four-legged travellers, followed by their humans, so they can travel together comfortably and conveniently. They start Luton to Los Angeles flights next month.

Now I guess the hound will insist on accompanying me.

She will not be patient in the queue, she will demand her own seat – inevitably bagsying the window – and expect to be fed treats on an hourly basis. She will whine, “are we there yet?”

Worryingly, BARK say they want to “replicate the ethos of a human’s first-class experience, pampering pooches throughout the long-haul flight.”

This includes being met by a BARK Air concierge who will “welcome dogs at the gate and guide them through socialization and a dog-centric cabin preparation.”

I’m keen on the socialisation bit but worry that a dog-centric cabin will be the exact opposite of a dog owner-centric cabin.

Me and the hound have realised over the years that, like some sit-com based happily married couples, we like separate holidays.

I like lounging by the pool in a hot country with alcohol administered on a regular basis. She likes running through the fields with other dogs in a cold country, preferably one with mud and lots of water.

We also disagree about food. She likes raw, processed dead animals. I like it cooked.

So, thank you BARK. I admire your commitment to the canine cause, but the prospect of a confined space full of excited, or perhaps terrified, canines, is one that makes me want to book next year’s holiday in Clacton, Yarmouth or in fact anywhere without an airport.