I HAVE invented a new game. I call it “Nuffink to do wiv me, guv”. Also, a Wurzel version for Somerset players, called “Don’t tell I, tell ‘e”.

The game allows you to enjoy all the thrills and frustrations of a major planning application for thousands of houses in your neighbourhood.

Here are the rules:
Player 1 takes the role of the Developer. His aim is to build as many houses as possible, with as little infrastructure and social housing as he can get away with. 
Player 2 is the Planning Authority. 
Player 3 is County Highways. 
Player 4 represents residents, local councillors, parish councils etc.
This is how you play:
Player 4 keeps asking the other players to listen to local residents and consult about all the infrastructure that is needed, before any decision is made. The other 3 players just pass them on to one of the other players.
The winner is the player who can say “Don’t tell I, tell ‘e “ (or “nuffink to do wiv me guv” if they don’t speak proper Zumerzet) as often and as forcefully as possible.
Player 4 never wins.

There is a follow-up game, to be played after the planning application is approved. 

Player 4 goes back to Player 3 (SCC Highways) and says “Now that the decision has been made, surely you can consult residents about what further measures, like roads, need to go into your long-term plan?” 
Player 3 repeats a version of the title of the game, probably, “It would not be appropriate” (and yes, I have the letter to prove it!)
Player 1, the developer, sets about wriggling out of the conditions of the planning approval. 
Player 2 (TDBC Planning) negotiates away some of these conditions without telling Player 4 (residents, local councils etc) what they are doing.

As Bruce Forsyth used to say “Good game, good game, hope you’re playing it at home..."

ALAN PAUL
Fulwood Close
Taunton